you've come a long way, baby

well, little max, er, BIG max is now 2 weeks old. sometimes it feels like he's been here forever, sometimes it feels like 2 days. but i can say this. . .i'm breastfeeding right now as a blog. wow. i think i've come a long way in a couple weeks. yes, the breasts, specifically nipples are still sore, but WAY better than last week. i can actually feed without crying. i'd say that's a step in the right direction. we're also much better at reading his cries, making the outbursts less frequent and shorter in duration. the house is still a disaster area, but we understand that's not going to be a priority for a while and people just have to understand that.

i was surprised when max was born that i didn't have that immediate infatuation with him. it was like i knew i needed to take care of him, and there was this instinctual routine that took over. but in my mind, i wasn't able to just flip a switch. a coworker relayed her birth story to me and said "it wasn't love at first sight, i needed time to fall in love with her just like any other person." when she said that i thought "who needs to fall in love with a baby you carried for 9 months?". i thought it was kind of cold. . .until it happened to me! the love comes quickly, though. each day i seem to focus less and less on how much my life has drastically changed, and more and more on this miracle of life. i still can't believe he came out of ME!??!?!?? what the?!?!? but here he sits, breastfeeding in his little vikings outfit (it is sunday, after all) and he just amazes me. there are tons of things i still have no clue about, for example, i asked my step-mom this evening "when do they start talking?". so, there you go. . .but today was a good day.

click on the "our photo albums" at right to see some max pics.

i'm a what?

a mother. . .

it's been one week and it's time to break the silence. last saturday, dec. 8, max was born to myself and kent. people say it's a life altering experience, and yeah, duh, of course. . .but i always thought it was because of this endless love that you'll have for your child, not that every aspect of your life as you know it has now changed. even typing that doesn't quite convey the message. there is truly no way to accurately represent the change other than to live it.

i really thought i was somewhat prepared for this. i mean, i'm 32, that should give me something by just being "older and wiser" right? i read all the books i could read on natural childbirth, and pregnancy in general. never thought for a minute that i'd end up being induced because i was a week and half post-due. never even occurred to me. . .and i didn't know that being induced could mean three days of labor. or that i would be so exhausted from three days of labor that i'd get an epidural because i couldn't tolerated the contractions any longer. and despite being numb from the waist down, i never dreamed that after three hours of pushing i would require a vacuum to actually extract my son from my body. nor did i anticipate my son deciding to wave to everyone as he entered the world, making his nine pound one ounce circumference even wider causing me to have two second degree tears. the icing on the unpredictable, unforeseen cake was having the postpartum hemorrhage that i never thought would actually happen, but scared me to death in the back of my head. my natural waterbirth birth plan went completely out the window. i don't think there was one thing on the birth plan that made it to fruition. ok, maybe one. walking out of the hospital with a healthy baby.

the day after delivering little max, i felt this incredible disappointment at being robbed of my wonderful birth story. instead there was this traumatic event. each time i would relay the story to a nurse, friend or relative, my legs would start trembling, slowly moving up my body to full on tremors. i never anticipated any of this. i guess who would've, right? that's kind of where life happens. you just can't be prepared for everything. my saving grace through it all was having kent there with me every last unpredictable minute. he never made me feel like a failure for not being able to deliver without medication, never made me feel like i was on my own, and never pushed me into any decision i wasn't ready to make. i don't know what i would've done without him.

so now we've been home for five days and we are flying by the seat of our pants. since i did have some bad tearing, everything has been moved upstairs so i don't have to be going up and down all day. max hardly sleeps in his cute little bassinet, he's usually in our arms or the life and sanity-saving swing. neither kent or i have slept longer than a three hour chunk. and our next hiccup is breastfeeding. what a fiasco. painted as this lovely bond between mother and child, it's actually very uncomfortable. especially when seven days of a "bad latch" leaves you pumping your milk with a machine because your nipples are cracked and bleeding. who knew babies have the suction of a hoover.

i keep trying to remind myself that we are lucky to have a healthy baby, when i'm in the middle of one of my baby blues fits, but quite honestly, this is the hardest thing i've ever experienced on so many levels i can't even articulate it. yesterday, i went downstairs for the first time since we left the house to go to the hospital. i walked into our bedroom and just started crying because i realized how nothing will ever be the same. my bedroom routine of doing the crossword, watching a little tv before falling asleep for 8-10 hours has left the building. and although i'm so happy to have max in my life, it's like i have to mourn the loss of my old life too. that is, after i pump, soak my sutured tears, take a laxative, wade through the piles of boxes, mail and junk that's accumulating in our living room, oh and maybe brush my teeth.

big, big belly

five days overdue. . .all of the days leading up to the due date i told myself "how can they predict the day you're going to deliver? who cares? he comes when he comes. . ." but oddly enough, as soon as the 26th came and went EVERYTHING changed. all of my easy going attitude flew right out the window and instead there was just anxiety and discomfort. when, when, when. . . the anticipation is draining. having to answer the phone and explain to every caring individual "nope, nothing yet" is reliving disappointment. it's so silly when you pull back and look at the big picture, but there is something about passing that date that makes you feel like you'll be pregnant forever. FOREVER. and each day that passes is the baby getting bigger and bigger and harder to, eh hem, GET OUT.

then there is sadness. i had this lovely natural waterbirth dream labor that also seems to be slipping through my fingers as the time goes by. if he keeps cooking like he is, they'll most likely induce, then all waterbirth bets are off. even my natural hopes are in jeopardy because with this IV medication to induce labor comes some severe contractions, that just may be beyond my pain threshold. of course, there is the disclaimer that "it's different for everyone", but i gravitate towards the worst case scenario. try to prepare myself for something i can't realistically be prepared for.

anyway, i feel HUGE, tired, swollen, and i just seem to get bigger. and i don't think i can blame it entirely on baby because their growth slows quite a bit around this time. it's more because i can only tolerate activity in small doses, and they mostly consist of going to the bathroom, small projects, and eating. eating out of sheer boredom. so that may have a bit more to do with the growth that the wee babe. i would never have imagined how swollen my legs would get. good grief. i laugh when i look at the scale it doesn't even seem real. i am definitely getting to the point where i'm looking forward to being comfortable in my skin again. i've had a great pregnancy. and i know that the next stage brings a whole different level of discomfort, but i think i'm about ready to give birth.

Life Happens

It's now November 13th (yes, the post says October something, but that's when I came up with the title "Life Happens", then got stuck on what to write about and saved it as a draft. Now I think I'm ready to let it flow. . .

Regarding my pregnancy. . .What I don't understand is how this is really supposed to go down? . .I mean, I'm 38 weeks pregnant. . .and this belly, this life in my belly is seriously supposed to exit in a logical manner? I can't believe what has to transpire in my near future. I'm utterly thrilled and completely terrified of the prospect. My midwife keeps telling me to "trust my body". That I need to learn to relax in order to reduce tension, thereby reducing pain. This all makes sense in my head, but I inevitabley work my way back to, "how is this going to fit through that hole?". The nursery is pretty much ready, but I can't say much for the parents. I mean, we're as ready as we'll ever be, I suppose. How does one feel prepared for something like this? When it's yours. We've got a little pool going for when I'm actually going to deliver. No prize has been established, but we'll figure out something. My estimated due date is 11.26, here are the guesses so far:

Me: 12.03, Kent: 11.19, Mom: 11.22, Dad: 11.28, Patricia: 11.24, Joe & Joyce: 11.22. We'll see who's the big winner. . .other than us, of course.

One wonderful thing is that I'm off work! There's been a price to pay in that I'm generally more uncomfortable than not uncomfortable, I have these sporadic episodes of tachycardia where I feel as though I may pass out, swelling everywhere, and I now have a hypoactive thyroid related to pregnancy. None of these have affected the baby, which is great, I'm just pretty exhausted and uncomfortable. All that to say that work was just something that had become increasingly difficult because of how I was feeling, so my midwife was a champ and put me on restrictions. My maternity leave was set to start on Thanksgiving (the week for which I was scheduled a string of five, eight hour day shifts - just crap), so now I'm on restrictions until my leave kicks in. No bed rest, although I seem to do a lot of that anyway. . .

On a sad note my animal house has been reduced by two. My little kitties Kuzco and Squirt have gone to live with a new owner in Stewartville. :-( It has been a tough road, but I had to come to terms with the fact that I was in over my head in the caregiving department (work, home, dog, 3 cats, husband, baby on the way), and needed to change something so that I wasn't a raving lunatic by the time baby arrived. After weeks of trying to find friends, friends of friends, classifieds, humane shelters (listed in increasing desperation) a woman called from my Mayo classified ad and would even consider taking both. Odd part was she called on the very day where I had found some resolve. I woke up after spending many days worrying about what I was going to do, not being able to find a home and all, even my very last choice of surrendering them to a shelter wasn't an option, because all of the humane shelters were full of cats! Anyway, I woke up and said, "You know what? Something will happen. Something will work out. I can't go on stressing about this." And I got the call that evening. She and her husband came a few days later to meet them, and ended up liking and taking both. I was relieved and devastated. I still am sad about it because I miss them, but I needed to do it for myself. And although I feel like a failure as a caregiver, I hope that they are happy in their new environment and get the love and attention that they deserve. Now we're a one dog & one cat animal house, and we're all dizzy with anticipation of the one baby addition.

Incubation

So I just passed my gestational diabetes test. I failed one blood glucose, but not two. Two would mean I'd be officially, but temporarily diabetic. One means. . .I don't know, but according to the nurse it's "not urgent", and my midwife will talk to me about diet at our next appt. Hmmm. . .does this mean NO yellow cake with chocolate frosting? I'm confused. So I've been the model food pyramid and eaten all, well mostly good things for at least a week now. Which ain't bad considering I've wanted to dive into a tub of doughnuts for the most part.

We did get to see another ultrasound last week, which was completely crazy. I mean, you look at it in disbelief. "You can't be serious?!". So from that ultrasound we have the latest picture of our boy, in utero. . .

I mean, what? How is this even possible. Next he'll be flashing a peace sign or something. He's still moving around like crazy, which is a good thing because "it's indicative of fetal well being" - however, my uterus may disagree. Sometimes I wonder if he's not going to bust through like that scene from Alien or something. But I'm encouraged and relieved. Things are going well, the pregnancy has gone very quickly, and as far as anyone can tell, we're having a healthy baby, and that's pretty cool.

Yellow Cake and Chocolate Icing

28 weeks and counting! Things are moving right along and we're getting more and more excited. I have realized in the last week that my sweet-factor has jumped off the scales. I CRAVE sweets. I mean, I've always liked sweets as much as the next guy but never CRAVED them. Like I can't live without them. I ate a Twix bar for the first time in about 14 years yesterday and I cannot tell you the euphoria then ensued. I told Kent that I'd "split" it with him when I bought it in the check out line, and subsequently apologized after the first cookie was down because there was no way he was going to pry that second cookie outta my hand.

On the same Target run I purchased a Better Homes and Gardens with the exclusive topic of Halloween. I'm not usually a big Halloween gal but this year it's all I can think about. I mean I bought BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS HALLOWEEN SPECIAL EDITION. I think today I figured out why. IT'S ALL PICTURES OF HALLOWEEN SNACKS! Ghoulish Goodies, Spooktacular Cupcakes, Pumpkin Cakes, Skeleton Cookies. . .what the heck has happened to me? Is 20 pounds not enough? I've got three more months to go, I can't be piling on the cake now! I'll be 2 hundo before I know it! Halloween is just a big excuse for me to chow this year. Granted it is the leading event of fall, my favorite season. . .cool air, the smell of dried leaves, football, chili; but I'm pretty sure the leading factor is the SWEETS.

So other than this most recent craving discovery, things are going very well. Ankles are swelling, heartburn is flaring and naps are just a routine part of the day. He moves around like an contortionist acrobat and uses my bladder as a treadmill. My nose has become very attuned to musty odors and I can't stand hearing people chew and smack while eating (probably just envious because they're eating and I'm not) or the taste of powdered eggs (just about the only thing I won't eat right now). But I won't complain. . .I'm ecstatic about having a baby and will take what comes with it. I'm extremely fortunate to have this wonderfully amazing husband who tolerates my irrationally crabby times with grace and welcomes me home with massages and pampering. "Honey, can you bring me ________", "Honey, can you grab _____ while you're up?", "Honey, can you ____________" the list goes on and on. He deserves a yellow cake with chocolate icing. And maybe I'll have slice. . .or two.

Foux Da Fa Fa

Ok, here's the thing. I cannot get enough of this show.
Episode 8 - "Girlfriends" is my new favorite.

Here's a little background from the first episode. . .

On the Lift

Yesterday I drove to work. I try to avoid this on a day shift because there is NO PARKING FOR PEONS. You have to work here for 12 years before you get day time parking privileges, but thanks to my lovely husband, I rarely have to do this because he drops me off.

Anyway, on my 2 mile hike in I passed an auto repair garage, and envied this man standing by one of the open garages. Positioned at the rear fender of the car, he was raising the car up on the lift while taking sips from his steaming cup of coffee. At that moment I realized how much I missed knowing what was going to happen during my work day.

Since I started nursing I have always worked in the float pool. I never know where I'm going to be assigned until I arrive at the staffing office 10 minutes before my shift starts. Which I've always convinced myself has been "fun". Now, I even have a separate shift where all I do is carry a pager all day. I get paged when needed to help get patients to tests, cover a break here and there, help when a floor gets slammed with admits, etc. It's called "resource". I don't know what to expect all day. Again convincing myself it's a nice "change of pace", until yesterday morning. I found myself longing for the days I sat in front of a computer screen, looking at whatever meetings were scheduled, and having a list of what I needed to get done, and knowing all of this the night before. The week before. Even the month before. Very routine, yes, but also there is something reassuring and calming about having a predictable day. That being said, if I went back to that desk job, I'd surely find something to complain about soon after starting. Never fails. I was just caught off guard with that mechanic. I hadn't realized how much I have been talking myself into the idea that working a 8-12hr shift of unpredictable constant change is good for me in my career.