you've come a long way, baby

well, little max, er, BIG max is now 2 weeks old. sometimes it feels like he's been here forever, sometimes it feels like 2 days. but i can say this. . .i'm breastfeeding right now as a blog. wow. i think i've come a long way in a couple weeks. yes, the breasts, specifically nipples are still sore, but WAY better than last week. i can actually feed without crying. i'd say that's a step in the right direction. we're also much better at reading his cries, making the outbursts less frequent and shorter in duration. the house is still a disaster area, but we understand that's not going to be a priority for a while and people just have to understand that.

i was surprised when max was born that i didn't have that immediate infatuation with him. it was like i knew i needed to take care of him, and there was this instinctual routine that took over. but in my mind, i wasn't able to just flip a switch. a coworker relayed her birth story to me and said "it wasn't love at first sight, i needed time to fall in love with her just like any other person." when she said that i thought "who needs to fall in love with a baby you carried for 9 months?". i thought it was kind of cold. . .until it happened to me! the love comes quickly, though. each day i seem to focus less and less on how much my life has drastically changed, and more and more on this miracle of life. i still can't believe he came out of ME!??!?!?? what the?!?!? but here he sits, breastfeeding in his little vikings outfit (it is sunday, after all) and he just amazes me. there are tons of things i still have no clue about, for example, i asked my step-mom this evening "when do they start talking?". so, there you go. . .but today was a good day.

click on the "our photo albums" at right to see some max pics.

i'm a what?

a mother. . .

it's been one week and it's time to break the silence. last saturday, dec. 8, max was born to myself and kent. people say it's a life altering experience, and yeah, duh, of course. . .but i always thought it was because of this endless love that you'll have for your child, not that every aspect of your life as you know it has now changed. even typing that doesn't quite convey the message. there is truly no way to accurately represent the change other than to live it.

i really thought i was somewhat prepared for this. i mean, i'm 32, that should give me something by just being "older and wiser" right? i read all the books i could read on natural childbirth, and pregnancy in general. never thought for a minute that i'd end up being induced because i was a week and half post-due. never even occurred to me. . .and i didn't know that being induced could mean three days of labor. or that i would be so exhausted from three days of labor that i'd get an epidural because i couldn't tolerated the contractions any longer. and despite being numb from the waist down, i never dreamed that after three hours of pushing i would require a vacuum to actually extract my son from my body. nor did i anticipate my son deciding to wave to everyone as he entered the world, making his nine pound one ounce circumference even wider causing me to have two second degree tears. the icing on the unpredictable, unforeseen cake was having the postpartum hemorrhage that i never thought would actually happen, but scared me to death in the back of my head. my natural waterbirth birth plan went completely out the window. i don't think there was one thing on the birth plan that made it to fruition. ok, maybe one. walking out of the hospital with a healthy baby.

the day after delivering little max, i felt this incredible disappointment at being robbed of my wonderful birth story. instead there was this traumatic event. each time i would relay the story to a nurse, friend or relative, my legs would start trembling, slowly moving up my body to full on tremors. i never anticipated any of this. i guess who would've, right? that's kind of where life happens. you just can't be prepared for everything. my saving grace through it all was having kent there with me every last unpredictable minute. he never made me feel like a failure for not being able to deliver without medication, never made me feel like i was on my own, and never pushed me into any decision i wasn't ready to make. i don't know what i would've done without him.

so now we've been home for five days and we are flying by the seat of our pants. since i did have some bad tearing, everything has been moved upstairs so i don't have to be going up and down all day. max hardly sleeps in his cute little bassinet, he's usually in our arms or the life and sanity-saving swing. neither kent or i have slept longer than a three hour chunk. and our next hiccup is breastfeeding. what a fiasco. painted as this lovely bond between mother and child, it's actually very uncomfortable. especially when seven days of a "bad latch" leaves you pumping your milk with a machine because your nipples are cracked and bleeding. who knew babies have the suction of a hoover.

i keep trying to remind myself that we are lucky to have a healthy baby, when i'm in the middle of one of my baby blues fits, but quite honestly, this is the hardest thing i've ever experienced on so many levels i can't even articulate it. yesterday, i went downstairs for the first time since we left the house to go to the hospital. i walked into our bedroom and just started crying because i realized how nothing will ever be the same. my bedroom routine of doing the crossword, watching a little tv before falling asleep for 8-10 hours has left the building. and although i'm so happy to have max in my life, it's like i have to mourn the loss of my old life too. that is, after i pump, soak my sutured tears, take a laxative, wade through the piles of boxes, mail and junk that's accumulating in our living room, oh and maybe brush my teeth.

big, big belly

five days overdue. . .all of the days leading up to the due date i told myself "how can they predict the day you're going to deliver? who cares? he comes when he comes. . ." but oddly enough, as soon as the 26th came and went EVERYTHING changed. all of my easy going attitude flew right out the window and instead there was just anxiety and discomfort. when, when, when. . . the anticipation is draining. having to answer the phone and explain to every caring individual "nope, nothing yet" is reliving disappointment. it's so silly when you pull back and look at the big picture, but there is something about passing that date that makes you feel like you'll be pregnant forever. FOREVER. and each day that passes is the baby getting bigger and bigger and harder to, eh hem, GET OUT.

then there is sadness. i had this lovely natural waterbirth dream labor that also seems to be slipping through my fingers as the time goes by. if he keeps cooking like he is, they'll most likely induce, then all waterbirth bets are off. even my natural hopes are in jeopardy because with this IV medication to induce labor comes some severe contractions, that just may be beyond my pain threshold. of course, there is the disclaimer that "it's different for everyone", but i gravitate towards the worst case scenario. try to prepare myself for something i can't realistically be prepared for.

anyway, i feel HUGE, tired, swollen, and i just seem to get bigger. and i don't think i can blame it entirely on baby because their growth slows quite a bit around this time. it's more because i can only tolerate activity in small doses, and they mostly consist of going to the bathroom, small projects, and eating. eating out of sheer boredom. so that may have a bit more to do with the growth that the wee babe. i would never have imagined how swollen my legs would get. good grief. i laugh when i look at the scale it doesn't even seem real. i am definitely getting to the point where i'm looking forward to being comfortable in my skin again. i've had a great pregnancy. and i know that the next stage brings a whole different level of discomfort, but i think i'm about ready to give birth.

Life Happens

It's now November 13th (yes, the post says October something, but that's when I came up with the title "Life Happens", then got stuck on what to write about and saved it as a draft. Now I think I'm ready to let it flow. . .

Regarding my pregnancy. . .What I don't understand is how this is really supposed to go down? . .I mean, I'm 38 weeks pregnant. . .and this belly, this life in my belly is seriously supposed to exit in a logical manner? I can't believe what has to transpire in my near future. I'm utterly thrilled and completely terrified of the prospect. My midwife keeps telling me to "trust my body". That I need to learn to relax in order to reduce tension, thereby reducing pain. This all makes sense in my head, but I inevitabley work my way back to, "how is this going to fit through that hole?". The nursery is pretty much ready, but I can't say much for the parents. I mean, we're as ready as we'll ever be, I suppose. How does one feel prepared for something like this? When it's yours. We've got a little pool going for when I'm actually going to deliver. No prize has been established, but we'll figure out something. My estimated due date is 11.26, here are the guesses so far:

Me: 12.03, Kent: 11.19, Mom: 11.22, Dad: 11.28, Patricia: 11.24, Joe & Joyce: 11.22. We'll see who's the big winner. . .other than us, of course.

One wonderful thing is that I'm off work! There's been a price to pay in that I'm generally more uncomfortable than not uncomfortable, I have these sporadic episodes of tachycardia where I feel as though I may pass out, swelling everywhere, and I now have a hypoactive thyroid related to pregnancy. None of these have affected the baby, which is great, I'm just pretty exhausted and uncomfortable. All that to say that work was just something that had become increasingly difficult because of how I was feeling, so my midwife was a champ and put me on restrictions. My maternity leave was set to start on Thanksgiving (the week for which I was scheduled a string of five, eight hour day shifts - just crap), so now I'm on restrictions until my leave kicks in. No bed rest, although I seem to do a lot of that anyway. . .

On a sad note my animal house has been reduced by two. My little kitties Kuzco and Squirt have gone to live with a new owner in Stewartville. :-( It has been a tough road, but I had to come to terms with the fact that I was in over my head in the caregiving department (work, home, dog, 3 cats, husband, baby on the way), and needed to change something so that I wasn't a raving lunatic by the time baby arrived. After weeks of trying to find friends, friends of friends, classifieds, humane shelters (listed in increasing desperation) a woman called from my Mayo classified ad and would even consider taking both. Odd part was she called on the very day where I had found some resolve. I woke up after spending many days worrying about what I was going to do, not being able to find a home and all, even my very last choice of surrendering them to a shelter wasn't an option, because all of the humane shelters were full of cats! Anyway, I woke up and said, "You know what? Something will happen. Something will work out. I can't go on stressing about this." And I got the call that evening. She and her husband came a few days later to meet them, and ended up liking and taking both. I was relieved and devastated. I still am sad about it because I miss them, but I needed to do it for myself. And although I feel like a failure as a caregiver, I hope that they are happy in their new environment and get the love and attention that they deserve. Now we're a one dog & one cat animal house, and we're all dizzy with anticipation of the one baby addition.

Incubation

So I just passed my gestational diabetes test. I failed one blood glucose, but not two. Two would mean I'd be officially, but temporarily diabetic. One means. . .I don't know, but according to the nurse it's "not urgent", and my midwife will talk to me about diet at our next appt. Hmmm. . .does this mean NO yellow cake with chocolate frosting? I'm confused. So I've been the model food pyramid and eaten all, well mostly good things for at least a week now. Which ain't bad considering I've wanted to dive into a tub of doughnuts for the most part.

We did get to see another ultrasound last week, which was completely crazy. I mean, you look at it in disbelief. "You can't be serious?!". So from that ultrasound we have the latest picture of our boy, in utero. . .

I mean, what? How is this even possible. Next he'll be flashing a peace sign or something. He's still moving around like crazy, which is a good thing because "it's indicative of fetal well being" - however, my uterus may disagree. Sometimes I wonder if he's not going to bust through like that scene from Alien or something. But I'm encouraged and relieved. Things are going well, the pregnancy has gone very quickly, and as far as anyone can tell, we're having a healthy baby, and that's pretty cool.

Yellow Cake and Chocolate Icing

28 weeks and counting! Things are moving right along and we're getting more and more excited. I have realized in the last week that my sweet-factor has jumped off the scales. I CRAVE sweets. I mean, I've always liked sweets as much as the next guy but never CRAVED them. Like I can't live without them. I ate a Twix bar for the first time in about 14 years yesterday and I cannot tell you the euphoria then ensued. I told Kent that I'd "split" it with him when I bought it in the check out line, and subsequently apologized after the first cookie was down because there was no way he was going to pry that second cookie outta my hand.

On the same Target run I purchased a Better Homes and Gardens with the exclusive topic of Halloween. I'm not usually a big Halloween gal but this year it's all I can think about. I mean I bought BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS HALLOWEEN SPECIAL EDITION. I think today I figured out why. IT'S ALL PICTURES OF HALLOWEEN SNACKS! Ghoulish Goodies, Spooktacular Cupcakes, Pumpkin Cakes, Skeleton Cookies. . .what the heck has happened to me? Is 20 pounds not enough? I've got three more months to go, I can't be piling on the cake now! I'll be 2 hundo before I know it! Halloween is just a big excuse for me to chow this year. Granted it is the leading event of fall, my favorite season. . .cool air, the smell of dried leaves, football, chili; but I'm pretty sure the leading factor is the SWEETS.

So other than this most recent craving discovery, things are going very well. Ankles are swelling, heartburn is flaring and naps are just a routine part of the day. He moves around like an contortionist acrobat and uses my bladder as a treadmill. My nose has become very attuned to musty odors and I can't stand hearing people chew and smack while eating (probably just envious because they're eating and I'm not) or the taste of powdered eggs (just about the only thing I won't eat right now). But I won't complain. . .I'm ecstatic about having a baby and will take what comes with it. I'm extremely fortunate to have this wonderfully amazing husband who tolerates my irrationally crabby times with grace and welcomes me home with massages and pampering. "Honey, can you bring me ________", "Honey, can you grab _____ while you're up?", "Honey, can you ____________" the list goes on and on. He deserves a yellow cake with chocolate icing. And maybe I'll have slice. . .or two.

Foux Da Fa Fa

Ok, here's the thing. I cannot get enough of this show.
Episode 8 - "Girlfriends" is my new favorite.

Here's a little background from the first episode. . .

On the Lift

Yesterday I drove to work. I try to avoid this on a day shift because there is NO PARKING FOR PEONS. You have to work here for 12 years before you get day time parking privileges, but thanks to my lovely husband, I rarely have to do this because he drops me off.

Anyway, on my 2 mile hike in I passed an auto repair garage, and envied this man standing by one of the open garages. Positioned at the rear fender of the car, he was raising the car up on the lift while taking sips from his steaming cup of coffee. At that moment I realized how much I missed knowing what was going to happen during my work day.

Since I started nursing I have always worked in the float pool. I never know where I'm going to be assigned until I arrive at the staffing office 10 minutes before my shift starts. Which I've always convinced myself has been "fun". Now, I even have a separate shift where all I do is carry a pager all day. I get paged when needed to help get patients to tests, cover a break here and there, help when a floor gets slammed with admits, etc. It's called "resource". I don't know what to expect all day. Again convincing myself it's a nice "change of pace", until yesterday morning. I found myself longing for the days I sat in front of a computer screen, looking at whatever meetings were scheduled, and having a list of what I needed to get done, and knowing all of this the night before. The week before. Even the month before. Very routine, yes, but also there is something reassuring and calming about having a predictable day. That being said, if I went back to that desk job, I'd surely find something to complain about soon after starting. Never fails. I was just caught off guard with that mechanic. I hadn't realized how much I have been talking myself into the idea that working a 8-12hr shift of unpredictable constant change is good for me in my career.

July is Gone Already?

I figure I should at least get one post in for the month of July. My contributions to this "blog" have been ridiculously small considering all of the current events. Baby boy coming, summer shenanigans, Harry Potter - what more could one ask for? But alas, my last post referenced the Bud Light swear jar commercial, ah well. Best intentions.

I'm a little over 1/2 way through the pregnancy. 23 weeks. I can't really complain about anything. I have developed a belly in the last few weeks, but continue to only have minimal symptoms - heartburn is the symptom of the month. Raging, fire-breathing heartburn. But if that's it, I'll do just fine. First no morning sickness, now a little heartburn. I'm afraid this will all catch up to me in the third trimester, but I'm trying to stay in the moment.

It's hard to believe sometimes what's really going on. I mean, right now, there is a little human inside me wiggling around. He moves a lot. Isn't that crazy? And in another few months, he'll be wiggling around in our arms. How does this happen? We have a nursery picked out, but it's empty right now. We completed registries at babies 'r us, target and amazon.com, which was both fun, and completely overwhelming. Talk about too many choices. . .oy. Babies 'r us superstore is like a Super Target with only baby items. We got out our little checklist from Consumer Reports, then proceeded to use their Best Baby Products book to register for the "CR Best Buy" for what felt like 3,000 items.

I would post the pics from our last ultrasound, but I only have two. One of his legs, and one of his, well. . .man tackle. The ultrasound tech was obviously impressed and thought it should be on our fridge. So there it resides.

I guess that's all for now. I'm going to try to post more often, I suppose I can only go up from here!

Swear Jar

i long for swearing in the workplace. . .

Bud Light: Swear Jar

Posted Jun 04, 2007

The swear jar is the best f@#*ing idea I've ever seen!

the mind boggles

could there possibly be more options for general baby care items? i'm trying to work on a budget, just to get an idea of how much money we're going to need for the ol' start up costs, and i'm going to beat my head on the desk. first off, i don't do well with options. one of the reasons why in 'n out burger is one of my favorite eating establishments, the menu consists of: the burger and the cheeseburger. oh and fries. ah simplicity. . .anyway, i'm trying to work the consumer reports route, just to trim down the herd. but with most items, they don't even know what to tell you - ". . .it's basically your preference" - well if i knew what that was, these decisions wouldn't be an issue; however, i happen to be one of the least informed/knowledgeable pregnant females this side of the mississippi. and i do REALLY mean that. when your husband has to tutor you on your own fertility cycle, you know things are bad.

anyway, so far i've narrowed it down to one stroller. which from what i can glean from the lousy description, can also double as a car seat - god help us when we have to figure that one out. that's all i got so far. according to my check list, i only have about 20 more "things" to get.

1st appt. with Midwife

Very uneventful appt. which is just fine with me. They have a fabulous clinic over there, and I am both relieved and excited to have a midwife - they are fully on board with the birth that I want and put me at ease.

She tried to ascultate fetal heart sounds, but we didn't have any luck, so she did a portable sonogram to for reassurance. We saw the heart flutter and we saw it jump around and move. I know this picture isn't the best, but you can make it out. You can see it's little arms and legs too!

Next appt. is in June. :-)

No Longer an Embryo. . .

It's now a FETUS.

For those of you who don't know already, I'm 11 weeks pregnant. . .I can hear the gasps of horror. I know, it's truly unbelievable. . .I have to remind myself occasionally that I'm supposed to provide for someone other than myself in less than nine months. I guess more like seven months? I go from stages of being totally elated to being completely terrified. Which I hear is thankfully normal.


I was extremely thankful that I didn't have loads of nausea and vomiting in the first couple months. I did have nausea, and still do, but nothing like what I assumed I was destined for since my mother had morning/afternoon/night sickness. So far so good. We go for our first appointment with the midwife on Tuesday and I'm once again excited and terrified. I think being a nurse has put me in the position of knowing just enough to be dangerous. I know just how many things can go wrong between now and delivery, and it amazes me that there are as many babies coming out with all of it's parts and pieces as there are. I mean, it's a freakishly alien process. Just crazy.

So, I couldn't NOT blog about this anymore, so this is my first. There really isn't much to describe though. My belly has actually popped a bit, but I believe I had a little head start in that department pre-pregnancy. I can be ravenously hungry, nauseous and bloated all in a matter of three minutes. I'm sad some days, can't stop smiling others. Oh, and I'm basically back in adolescence as far as the acne goes. That's great fun. A little blast from the past. Kent and I will gladly accept all the good vibes that you want to send because we're gonna need it!

Meteor Collision Averted - 80s style

Welcome Baby Wii

Yes, we bought one. They may be entertaining, but they're also heart-healthy!

I can see myself 9 pounds lighter already.

I may be a cat lady, but. . .

at least I'm not her.

I do not like them, Sam I am.

Imagine my surprise to find that I've been essentially feeding my three cats poison. I learned Sunday that there was a recall on some Iams food - which ended up being MY Iams food. The food I've been feeding them since last Thursday. I call the emergency vet (it is after all, Sunday) and I'm told that I should actually NOT wait until Monday to come in, but to bring them in now, for some nice high-priced emergency vet care. So go in, with all three in tow and find out that Squirt is in full-blown acute renal failure, Kuzco and Pacha are also in renal failure, but to a lesser degree. That's what Squirt gets for being a good eater. . .more toxins.

This morning, with three hours of sleep I call to find out their status, they tell me to just come in at 7 because they still need to do another lab draw. I arrive and wait for the results. Squirts kidney numbers are still extremely elevated, and she also has an infection. The urinalysis shows a major hit to her kidneys. She will require 24 hour hospitalization that is only available in the Twin Cities. The other two need to continue IV fluids at my regular vet because the emergency vet clinic closes at 8AM. I tell her that I'm going to take them to Myhrom, in town. She pulls me aside and shows me an article online that states he's been killed in a motor vehicle crash. Honestly, the nicest man I know in Rochester - and such a wonderful vet. I can't even tell you. So the alternative is to take them to a friend's vet in a neighboring town. I drop them there and I'm off to Eden Prairie. Squirt will require 2-3 days of 24 hour hospitalization. Pacha and Kuzco are home now, but Pacha has to go back tomorrow for another day of IV fluids. They'll all be on a renal diet - yes prescription for at least a month, and Squirt may be longer depending on how extensive her damage is.

Basically by the end of this adventure we could've either taken a trip around the world, bought a solid used car just for the fun of it, or put in new flooring on an entire level of our house. Instead we'll have three healthy cats with possibly long-term special diets because of a contamination by a company that supplies meat for 40 feline brands and 50 canine brands, but has "failed to identify any issues with the products in question". Oh and according to them the "number of complaints has been relatively small", they're quoting 10 deaths, which according to the vets I've spoken to today (more than I care to mention), is a complete CROCK. They've had hundreds of deaths, thousands of sick animals, and thousands and thousands of calls. The numbers are sure to rise, because the cats didn't show ANY signs other than some vomit. If I hadn't seen the article I never would've taken them in. Apparently, when they do start acting sick, they're in irreparable kidney failure.

My hope is their is a huge law suit, and I'll be able to get some medical reimbursemnt. So far, the only offer the manufacturer is making is to reimburse you for the food. Gee thanks. Won't matter for us because we'll be eating prescription diet for a while.

My parting words are CHECK YOUR WET FOOD, the earlier you catch this the better. And if you have food that's has a recalled lot number, FREEZE IT in case of a future law suit.

Even if things get heavy, we'll all float on

Is it just me, or did the American Idols completely desecrate "Float On" in their Ford commercial? Ugh, I've got a bad taste in my mouth. I mean, I love Idol, but c'mon can we stick to the sugar pop and lay off the Modest Mouse?

How was your weekend?

An oft-asked question on a Monday morning. My first thought is, as long as I wasn't at work, it could not have been that bad. But I'm noticing that the definition of a "nice weekend" has changed a bit over the years. There used to be some task involved, like trying to clean the house. Do the taxes. Maybe even return something to a store that I've been meaning to do for months. Or even accomplish the aforementioned task AND do something "fun". Go out to eat, shop for something frivolous or go to a movie. For the record, I haven't been to a movie in a theater since. . .Cars - (summer 2006)? I suppose that's not as bad as some, but coming from someone, who saw Star Wars Episode I six times IN THE THEATER (yes, the nerd alert alarm is ringing - I'm ok with that) my movie going days have come to a screeching halt. In fact, what is now a "nice weekend" consists of sitting my butt on the couch and watching loads of TV, sprinkled with a little scrapbooking and assorted surfing on the internet box, and a pinch of semi-depression.

I have admittedly never been a real go-getter socially, but I'm having trouble trying to figure out what I'm doing with my time these days. I recently sent an email to my manager seeing if it would be possible to reduce my hours per pay period. I'm already at 32 hrs/wk, and I want to go down from that? When did I become such a slug? I have some rationale in my head that consists of "Well exceptional patient care is extremely tiring, I need the time to recover physically and mentally. Although there are people that do the same thing and work more hours than me, I wasn't built to manage that many hours of patient care". Sounds good, right? The alternative rationale is I just don't like to work. Now if you read this blog from its inception, you're probably curious as to why someone who can barely handle 32hrs/wk manages to go to New Orleans? The answer is: I have no idea. It is an enigma to me. I loved that trip, loved the work we did, loved the people I met. Maybe it's because it was temporary and I knew that going into it? These are the questions I intend to get to the bottom of. . .or not, maybe I'll just watch the rest of this movie.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

"Turn and face the strain". . .

Ok, although this blog was raised in Louisiana, it's time for a return back to Minnesota. And what better time than in the middle of a blizzard? I can honestly say I've never been in a blizzard before. I believe there was one in Ohio in '78, but I was only 3, so that doesn't count. Just missed the "Halloween Blizzard" of '91 when I came a week after to visit Macalester College. And I still applied early decision - what was I thinking? I've now been in the house for over 24 hours straight, and as much as I was looking forward to laying low this weekend, I am admitedly getting stir-crazy. I kind of envisioned popcorn, movies, hot chocolate. . .but it's been more like "Grumpfest 2007" with three main headliners: me, my husband and my mother. Three groups that probably shouldn't go on tour again. On the bright side, we've got plenty of food, we still have electricity and I've been in my PJs all day. That's not such a bad deal.

Getting back to the whole blog thing. I don't have a direction or theme, I'm just gonna take it as it comes and see what happens. Happy mushing!

Another Reason to Hate the Bears

You CAN'T be serious. . .

. . .and we're back!

Ok, I admittedly spent my first shift back at home "sick". I have no regrets because I was just plain exhausted and didn't feel I'd give the best patient care with my eyes half-cocked. My second shift was when I was back to work. . .but then again, not really. I walked the halls thinking about the people who will so desperately need follow-up care and won't get it any time soon. And the free clinic we left behind that doesn't have a chance of calling all the people they say they are to report abnormal labs. Leaving such a desperate situation and coming back to the WFMC was something I wasn't really able to digest in one shift. Or two shifts. It's so complicated. I feel guilty for having what I have. I feel anger towards people who complain about their care here. I feel horrible about all the people we left behind who had never asked for the situation they find themselves in - but yet want to stay and help their community. I don't even pick the trash up off my property lines, yet a resident down there mows all the lawns on his street just to keep the neighborhood looking somewhat residential, instead of abandoned.

I learned so much from the residents down there, just in the short time I had with each one I met. I learned an equal amount from the people I traveled down there with. These preconceived notions that plague me. . .when am I gonna learn? So many people surprised me with their integrity and leadership, I can't even believe it. I have 38 new friends, my inbox is full of reunion planning emails, and I have a whole new perspective on my daily life, married life and the world. I was warned by our head nurse during the planning meeting before we left that "this will change your life". I believed that the experience would be significant, but not quite life changing. . .yet here I am.

Stats from Recovery Week in New Orleans

provided by RAM's website at www.ramusa.org:

EXPEDITION TO NEW ORLEANS COMPLETE!

January 28, 2007 - February 3, 2007

East New Orleans

Official Statistics - FINAL

Total patients registered: 3839

Patient services rendered: 12,125

Total value of care: $1,075,954.50

Total volunteers: 871

Services per patient, average: 3.1

Glasses dispensed: 1,229

Dental extractions: 940

Fillings: 1,805

Medical services rendered: 9,660

Our Long Return

Well I walked into my house around midnight last night. After a very long day of travel, Northwest decided to cancel our Rochester connection from Minneapolis at 9:35pm and sent us down on a bus. The bus didn't leave until 10:30, so we didn't get to Rochester until 11:30pm, after leaving New Orleans at 5:00pm.

The last day of the clinic was yesterday and we all realized that they were going to struggle without our presence. Not that we were all so amazing they couldn't manage without us, but just the sheer number of volunteers that they were going to lose all at once. We left the clinic at 1100am for the airport. Operation Blessing sent us off with gift bags full of New Orleans classics, like coffee and beignets, pralines and t-shirts and a sweatshirt from Operation Blessing with their logo on it. They also made a video called Katrina Dreams, which we watched on our way to dinner on Thursday evening. The video brought us all to tears. It gave a such a compelling perspective of what went on and continues to go on down there.

Ok, to catch up a little, we did get to go to dinner and see a little bit of the French Quarter on Thursday. Mayo was able to arrange for some of our meal to be paid, but when Operation Blessing learned of this, they kicked in the extra to make it a free meal for all of the volunteers that went. We went to K-Paul's in the French Quarter, a restaurant opened by Chef Paul Prudhomme (http://www.kpauls.com/) - most locals described it as the best food in New Orleans, so we were all very excited to go. I had the gumbo as an appetizer, shrimp etouffee and sweet potato pecan pie for dessert. They reserved the entire upstairs for us, and the chef onsite (Paul Miller) came upstairs and explained the history of the restaurant and welcomed us here, explaining how badly New Orleans was in need of help. We had a wonderful dinner their, complete with a little live Cajun music, then went on for a quick walking tour of the French Quarter. The French Quarter had little damage due to the fact that it is a part of the city that is above sea level. They were able to get back up and running faster than anywhere else in New Orleans. Some of the people we talked to in New Orleans East (where the clinic was held) resented the fact that went the show New Orleans as being back up and running, they are showing clips of the French Quarter and the Superdome, when their is still less than half the population back because they have nowhere to live and come back to.

After some discussion all week with people who chose to stay and rebuild, I learned that for those who were able to get insurance money, the checks were written directly to the mortgage company. So if their house was paid off, they were most likely living with family or in a FEMA trailer in their front lawn or in a FEMA trailer park. They would work little by little to rebuild their houses, but it will be a long process. For those who did not receive any insurance money and their property is not livable, they continue to pay mortgage payments and are either living in a FEMA trailer or in another city. Some completely abandoned their property, and still don't know what happens with their mortgages/property. The city had required everyone to have their houses gutted down to the studs by now, to reduce the possibility of an infestation of rats and vermin in the city - which is what most neighborhoods look like now, a bunch of gutted houses with the occasional FEMA trailer. FEMA will conduct progress reports on their rebuild or persuit of new property, and if they're satisfied with progress they issue an extension on the trailer. FEMA will be repossessing the trailers at some point, but that isn't really discussed. What will happen then to these people then?

Operation Blessing has a few videos up on their website which give you a description on what the residents who came to the clinic had to do in order to get in a visual of what the site actually looks like, so check it out at http://www.ob.org/. You MAY even seen me! (hint, hint)

There were several points this week where I just felt like I was going to start bawling for all types of reasons. I had to take a break from doing Diabetic teaching the other day with a couple because I realized the odds of this man being able to manage his chronic illness was slim to none. Despite the effort he and his wife put in to managing his four blood pressure pills and check his glucose, the reality is this man had a incapacitating stroke a year ago, and we just given him his third glucometer. Why the third? Because the meters aren't the expense, the test strips are. So he's been given two other meters from free or sliding scale clinics, but can't afford to buy the test strips at $90 for a months worth. His Diabetes requires him to check his glucose twice a day and inject insulin twice a day, so that's 60 strips per month. I gave him extra, because I couldn't stand sending him away with one box, but who knows if he'll be able to continue his regimen. Every who was given a glucometer this week, will most likely have the same problem, unless there are more free/sliding-scale clinics that have test strips that will work with his new meter, and be affordable enough to continue to purchase.

I'm still processing the whole week right now. You spent 24 hours a day for 9 days with people you've never met before and amazingly band together in a way I've never experienced, like we were hand-picked to come together for this. To have that kind of connection, and to meet all of the people we met and shared stories with, it was sad to leave it all. Even though we were all coming from the same place and returning to the same place, we won't be able to duplicate the context of our connection, though I know we'll be forever bonded by it. I feel so fortunate to have had this opportunity, it's been life changing. I also feel fortunate to live somewhere were I have access to healthcare, schools, jobs and some security, although I now know that all of that can be taken away from me in a heartbeat. Truly, the biggest lesson for me was that it takes people to make a difference. Those neighborhoods being rebuilt are making progress because of everyday people who have pride in their city and their neighbors, not because there is a government sponsored program holding their hands, or direction from FEMA. They are all volunteers, they are all a community and they are trying to make a better life for themselves one brick at a time.

Weather in Rochester, MN: high of -4 degrees, with a -35 below windchill.

I Wanna be Sedated - Day Six

I'm only making that my post title because I'm listening to my mp3 player. Some of us got to go home early today for a break, so I'm just hanging at the warehouse typing on the blog.

First off, definitely feeling the beat down today. Limited resources, very needy people, tired body and mind, lots of sad stories. I actually had to take a sanity time-out. . .three people were already occupying the three actual eval rooms in critical care, and the doctors, then you've got people with lost paperwork wanting to see the same doctor they saw yesterday, city employees waiting to get their vital signs so they can go on to dental/vision, someone needs their glucose checked right now, and then - where I saw the meltdown in the distance, when the two WAY hypertensive (when I say WAY I mean 220/120) patients approach being escorted by two nurses from triage because they are Vietnamese and speak no english. Oh yeah, there is no Vietnamese interpreter and no space in critical care to help. I have to admit, I was on overload. There were three of us total to sort all 35-40 people out. I triaged what I could and had to walk away for about 15 minutes. Working with such limited resources can be so frustrating when you're used to being a the "World Famous Mayo Clinic" where you just yell and get everything you need. It forces you to be creative in ways you never thought and it can be very uncomfortable and very exciting also. Such a different environment.

We had several "critical" incidents today, but the one I've been waiting for I missed because I actually got a break to eat lunch and left the medical tent. A gentlemen was getting his glucose checked in the tent and it was 610, the nurse got up to tell the nearest physician and the gentlemen started seizing and fell off his chair, going pulseless. I'm so proud of this nurse because she managed the room and got a code going. And where was her critical care nursing help? Eating lunch. Ugh.

Last night I was talking with some other volunteers about overwhelmed I've been with how well we're all working together. I realize it's only a week that we'll be here, but to not know anyone your going with, then be thrown into a chaotic situation with little to no direction and handle the way we have. . .I'm just extremely proud of everyone. People are just shining with their strengths. Just when I think I have someone figured out, they blow me away with something totally amazing and selfless. I mean, there aren't enough words to describe the group dynamic here. It's invaluable to this mission. It's not just nurses, it's the lab people that are working continuously without complaints, it's the pharmacists who have to educate people with very little knowledge of their own chronic illness process on their new medications; the doctors who have patients backed up one after the other - they so much as peak out of their little stall in the tent and we're throwing another patient at them. We have a security guy and a tech guy who have gone above and beyond their scope, doing our laundry, fixing our machines, getting supplies overnighted from Mayo, driving us to Walmart every night, generally putting up with our shit 24/7. I'm speechless.

Tomorrow night one of the "head guys" - I say that because I have no idea what his title is. . .has planned a dinner outing for the entire group, one of the best restaurants in New Orleans - according to one of the locals. I'm excited. I haven't been able to see Aaron down here yet, he got stuck at the clinic he works at, so he won't be able to come over with Cheri until Friday evening. I'm pumped to talk to them about the healthcare down here - to get another perspective.

The high tomorrow is 48 degrees with an 80% chance of rain.

Vote Al Frankin. . .

Stories

I needed a place to put story anecdotes to be developed later. . .so here are the teasers. . .

Woman raped by a male nurse.
There was a woman I took a medical history on in triage where I nearly lost it in front of her. An unassuming lady in her 50s coming in with only a few complaints but just hadn't seen a doctor in over a year. After running down my list of triage questions I came to HIV and she paused and said, "You know I should probably get screened. I was raped by a male nurse after Katrina and I never did get tested." I was in such shock, I had no words. A nurse - a patient advocate - during one of the worst storms in 20 years, rapes a patient. It was just too much.

CD of pics from EMS, plenty of gruesome pictures of police shooting back at looters, corpses, and plucking people from their roofs.

The man who had a stroke a year ago because his diabetes was completely uncontrolled because he has no insulin because his clinic closed because of Katrina - just needs test strips because he can't afford them at his local pharmacy. We were giving away meters and test strips, but we were currently out, and so I'm going watch this man walk away from me, into the New Orleans abyss knowing that he has no way to check his glucose and treat his diabetes properly.

Thoughts:
Why people stay. Why people go. FEMA trailers. Corruption in the school board and Louisiana state government. The endless complements on our presence and the wonderful hugs I get all day, every day. Confusion and politics in the good samaritan game.

Quotes:
"I'm tired, I'm cold, I'm wet, and my ass is dragging."
"Kicking tires and lighting fires."
"Patient check-in, STOP sending patients to the medical tent."
"Anybody want a sandwich?"

C-C-Cold - Day Five

I didn't post yesterday because I had no energy to lift my fingers to type. Talking with some other Mayo peeps today, we all agree that this is the best type of exhaustion we've ever had. We have fun all day with everyone at the clinic, but seeing 400 patients in a day is overwhelming.

Yesterday a RN from New Orleans gave us a tour of New Orleans East, the lower and upper 9th ward and the French Quarter. There are parts of the 9th ward that are simply frozen in time. It's just astonishing. One house that we saw had a dresser on the roof with clothes hanging out of the drawers. There are still piles of waste that are all over the neighborhoods waiting for a FEMA pick-up. Then you got out to the French Quarter, and it was business as usual. The two places are within a couple miles of each other and there couldn't be more of a contrast. I learned from our guide that in the state of Louisiana, they are on the "charity bed" system, which means hospitals are allowed to refuse care, but are also required to offer a certain number of "charity beds". So if the charity beds are full, they can refuse care. Now for the kicker, right now with only three hospitals being open in New Orleans proper, there are 13 charity beds available. We have it so good in MN. This state is going to have to take an honest look at their healthcare system and their school system. It's just sad.

Tomorrow's forecast, 10% chance of rain, high of 48 degrees.

Sunny Sunday - Day Three

What a wonderful day! We had a total of 1007 patient interactions today, which meant over 400 medical visits. I ended up working in the medical tent where all of the doctors were seeing patients. There were three of us that ended up having to organize the flow of patients for the day, basically making it up as we went along. It was extremely challenging as none of us had any experience doing anything of the like, but we made it work. I can honestly say at the end of the day we truly felt like we had made an impact. We had face-to-face time with every single patient that came through that medical tent, every single one completely grateful for our time and service. We were just happy to be down here, helping out however we could. I am EXHAUSTED. We're back at it tomorrow morning at 0500, with bells on.

Tomorrow's forecast, partly sunny high of 50.

I would love to elaborate on the details of the day, but I'm truly so tired, I may fall out of my chair. I'm going to try and jot down tidbits in my journal so I don't forget it all.

Have a great week!

Ode to Wet Feet - Day Two

90% chance of rain, INDEED. It poured all day today. We were running around unloading pallets, setting up stations, and getting completely soaked in the process. With the wind we froze our little butts off! The camp was almost complete when we left, which is a complete success in my eyes. Considering the only thing erected when we got there were the tents. There are now about 15 dental stations, 10 vision stations, 15 medical exam rooms, 4 women's health exam rooms, 1 trauma exam room and two misc. exam rooms. I think everyone held up extremely well considering the conditions.

Everyone continues to be extremely grateful to have "the Mayo people" here, which is a good feeling. I hope that we can add the value that they are looking for.

A couple of statements stood out at our volunteer meeting this afternoon. The population in New Orleans proper was ~400,000 pre-Katrina and is now ~140,000. Even with less than half of the population returning, the death rate has doubled since Katrina. They say that "people are still dying from Katrina" because there are not enough medical professionals to manage patients. Even patients who can afford to pay for their prescriptions can't find a provider to accept them. Those people with unmanaged chronic illness contribute to that death rate as does prolonged stress and an increased suicide rate. It is such a complex problem to solve. As I work in through in my head, I realize that if it were up to me, I would have NO IDEA where to start. There is a whole lot of politics and litigation involved which I'm having a very hard time comprehending. Each person I ask has a different spin on it, which is very interest, but reiterates the issue's complexity.

Tomorrow all of the Mayo nurses are to begin the triage process for the first day of the Recovery Week. The bus departs at 0500 and our finishing time remains TBD. They really have no idea how many people will turn out. There continues to be a lot of press coverage down here, and it will probably be on the national news. The Jim Lehrer News Hour will be down here tomorrow and there will be a press conference from the site on Monday, so keep your eyes and ears open!

Tomorrow's weather partly sunny, windy with a high of 50.

Sends us all of your good vibes tomorrow!

Arrival in Slidell, LA - Day One

We had a very uneventful flight down here today. Everyone made it one piece and were greeted with sunny skies and 60 degree weather. Awesome welcome. We took a bus drive through New Orleans to Slidell and every turn we took was more devastation. There are middle/upper-class neighborhoods where every sixth house is experiencing renovation, but the in-betweens are completely vacant. There is still spray paint on the outside of the houses from when they were searched and what they found - "dead dog", "dead cat" - not quite sure what code they used for people. You also see the FEMA trailers sprinkled throughout neighborhoods in the front yard or side yard. During the bus ride the driver told us "right here, we'd be under 6 feet of water" and "this bridge we're driving on was disconnected in several sections" (the 11 mile bridge that crosses Lake Pontchartrain -- the other bridge is 24 miles and is the longest in the world).

We arrived at the old furniture store, now the Operation Blessing Command Center, around 5:30-6, got a brief tour, dinner, our badges and a very military-like mission briefing, which included the "Rules of Engagement". Everyone is in good spirits, excited about the known and unknown and being very flexible. The Operation Blessing people were very excited to have our help, which felt great. There are 400 medical professionals that will be serving at the New Orleans Recovery Week, and they are expecting at least 10,000 people to show up. Although the focus is chronic illness, we have been told that this tent city medical center is the closest acute care available in a 10 mile radius, so they have also seen gun shot wounds and acute MI, which is unfortunate, but great that they can get help somewhere with only 3 of 11 hospitals up and running. They said the site of Recovery Week is actually across the street from one of the once major hospitals in New Orleans that is completely empty now.

Tomorrow we help set up the site, move equipment and get the flow of traffic down. It looks like we'll have some early days for the next week. 90% chance of rain tomorrow with a high of 60. Still better than 19 degrees. . .

They have some laptops available here, hooked up to a satellite. So I will update when I can!

Operation Blessing

there was an email sent last week to all nurses asking for volunteers for "new orleans recovery week". this is in conjunction with "operation blessing" - an international aid organization. all those interested had to apply right away and then would be notified by last friday if you were "invited". i was amazed to recieve the email friday afternoon that i was invited to go. i thought for sure i'd be overlooked since i've only been a nurse for two years. they were looking for cardiac and endocrine specialties - i think my float experience to the cardiac and medical icus may have just helped!

as of today, i have no idea what we'll be doing exactly. there is a schedule of a "typical day" which seems to go from 6:30am-6:30pm, with a mre for lunch. the "mennonite ladies" make breakfast and dinner. i know we'll be sleeping in cots at the operation blessing command center, and i know what flights i'm on, but that's about it. we have a meeting on wednesday for all who are going where we get fit-tested for tb masks, and they said we'd be provided more info at that time. i'm excited to see who else is going and if i'll know anyone else.

the only thing i can count on at this point is that it will prove to be an amazing experience. i plan to give updates whenever i can.